I hope you don’t mind but today I thought I would write a rather personal post. As some of you may know from Employing Fran Drescher’s “Cancer Schmancer” Approach, there is someone near and dear to me who has cancer.
Since that post, my friend has undergone a series of intensive chemotherapy and things were looking fairly upbeat. While we all anticipated him needing a second surgery following the chemotherapy treatments (as a preventative step), we had expected the surgeon to be rather upbeat with his prognosis because the tests my friend took indicated that there were no signs of cancer left.
However, the surgeon told us last week that we should not assume that the cancer has been fully addressed just because the scans have come back all clear. He explained that we cannot really know if my friend is clear until the surgeon has him on the operating table and sees what is going on inside my friend’s body. This explanation/viewpoint sounded horribly pessimistic to us and we didn’t quite understand why the surgeon was telling us this.
Moving ahead to post second surgery this week, it turns out my friend had many little pieces of cancer in his body that were not evident on the CT scans. [Now we understand why the surgeon had said what he said last week…]
My friend had an incredibly long surgery lasting hours upon hours, at the end of which, we were told that the medical team removed all possible visible pieces of cancer and had also placed some chemotherapy directly in my friend’s body to further increase the chances of getting rid of the cancer.
My friend has quite a recuperation process to go through plus an anticipated radiation and chemotherapy treatment series on one area that the doctors were unable to reach. Right now, I am feeling most grateful that the medical team worked so hard on trying their absolute utmost with my friend and also terribly worried/scared about whether my friend will make it (and for how long).
Further complicating matters is the fact that my friend lives thousands of miles away. This means that I will have to wait till my school break or at least close to my school break before flying out there to see him. In addition, I have been requested to keep this information close to my chest. Therefore, to share my pain with you, I was obliged to conceal the identity of the person who is ill and I am similarly bound in my offline life, thereby limiting my access to support.
Have you ever had someone you really care about who lives far away become ill? How/what are the things that you did to cope with your feelings of sadness, fear and loss? What things did you do to support your loved sick one, albeit from afar?
Photo Credit: Falling Water by Patrick Hoesly
I really feel for you and your friend, Dorlee. You both have gone through so much in recent weeks.
It’s natural to feel sadness, fear and loss when serious illness strikes and we don’t know what the outcome will be. I try not to get swept away with these strong feelings. Meditation helps me to be more spacious to the emotions that arise. It helps me realize that they are just passing thoughts and feelings, they aren’t the real me. They will dissolve if I don’t follow after them. Following after the thoughts and emotions just creates more suffering.
Illness is a reminder that life is impermanent and there are no guarantees. It’s easy to get lost in a cycle of hope and fear, especially when it seems your cancer is cured. But in the end, we’re all terminal. This is a lesson that I myself am striving to learn in a very deep way. It’s not easy! It’s one I wrote about for my blog post tomorrow.
Recognizing impermanence can help us accept death, live more fully in the present moment, get our priorities straight, and focus on love and compassion for both our self and others. These are the good aspects! Impermanence is just the way it is though we often pretend otherwise.
I don’t think there are any easy answers to your questions. Illness and the possibility of loss raise the big questions of life. They require looking within, reflection, and finding our own truth.
On a practical level, you might ask your friend how he would like to be supported.
This site might be helpful: http://www.bobellal.com/ Bob is a 4 times cancer survivor.
I’ll be thinking of you and your friend in my prayers. Wishing for the best for post of you.
Thanks so much for all your kind support and advice, Sandra
I will now make sure to back to listening to my meditation tape on a regular basis… It’s funny how when one undergoes a stressful traumatic situation, the first thing to go is the very thing that would help one deal with the stressful event.
And yes, what you are saying is so true: our lives are impermanent and to believe otherwise is to deny reality…this does highlight how important it is that we live more fully in the moment and focus on what is truly important in our lives.
Thanks for sharing with me the info about Bob’s site. I will definitely check it out!
I also look forward to reading your post tomorrow 🙂
With much gratitude,
Dorlee
There is so much wisdom in Sandra’s post that I will start by saying “what she said!”
The most important thing you can do is to care for yourself in this process–you won’t be able to be there for your friend if you don’t. Dealing with the fear and sadness and helplessness is the key to this, of course. I have personally found that the meditation practice of Tonglen (see http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php and Pema Chodron’s audio workshop Good Medicine, on Amazon) to be extraordinarily helpful when I was dealing with something similar in my life.
Regarding supporting someone (from afar or up close) I agree wholeheartedly with Sandra..asking is the place to start. And I would add to this that I think one of the best ways to help is to be there (on the phone/Skype/in writing, etc) to hear whatever the person needs to express…which may be nothing sometimes (people wanting to talk about anything but the cancer) or it may be hearing their exhaustion going through treatments and their desire, sometimes, to just give up. People feel most alone when they have thoughts and feelings to share that family members and friends close off because don’t want to hear them.
In terms of how helping oneself & helping others comes together: I think the helplessness I feel when someone I love is hurting is the hardest thing to bear. Tonglen really helps me with this, because I can breathe in the energy of whatever they are struggling with (e.g., pain), and then breathe out compassion for them, for me, and for all the people in the world struggling with a similar situation. The practice keeps me in an open-hearted, connected place. And it may be my imagination, but it seems to help them as well.
I’ll be keeping you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Dorlee,
My heart goes out to you and your friend. The Big “C” is never an easy diagnosis.
When my mom was diagnosed, I didn’t have the stress techniques I do now…and I paid for it.
As the friend or relative you want to do everything in your power to help and provide support. I think it’s important to find out what the person with the diagnosis wants and needs.
I remember one person would visit my mom and more often than not, would talk about who passed away from cancer. I would just cringe. I can’t imagine how my mom felt.
I like what your previous commenter said – moment to moment. A hard place to stay, but often, in those moments you create memories to sustain you and yes, you even find joy.
I’m sending plenty of heart energy your way.
Yes, I think you are right in that I need to care for myself in order to be able to be there for my friend.
I felt so overwhelmed today with worry because all of a sudden, this friend shared that he had experienced difficulties with his heart but couldn’t/didn’t want to talk and I’m so far away and I don’t know what’s going on.
Thankfully, I managed to reach my friend’s relative who was able to fill me in and then assure me that that my friend was okay despite the new heart monitoring development.
Thank you for sharing with me the link about the meditation practice of Tonglen. I will make sure to check it out 🙂
I had been using the emotional ease variation of Oasis Meditation as my usual meditation but I feel like I could use benefit from something stronger/more specific to what I’m going through right now.
And yes, both you and Sandra are right in suggesting that I ask my friend how he would like to be supported right now. I have not yet directly asked this question. In the past, I felt that my phone calls would do the trick but this time, I’m feeling that my phone calls are more of a burden…
Thanks so much, Nancy, for all your kind thoughts and support.
It really means a lot to me,
Dorlee
Hi Marianna,
Thanks so much for your warm-hearted support and energy.
I’m so sorry that your mother had the big “C”…and that you were ill-equipped to deal with the terrible stress at that time. You really understand exactly what I am going through…
Yes, I agree that somehow, despite all that is going on, the goal should be to create memories… However, that may be easier said than done. Currently, my friend seems to be feeling depressed. I think this is part of the reason why he has been withdrawing from me.
Thanks again for all your TLC,
Dorlee
Hi Dorlee,
This is such a touching post, and I have no doubt in my mind that many, many people can relate to it. Indeed, it is difficult for someone to have a loved one be so sick and there needs to be more forums for them to find support. It is so stressful and scary.
When my mom had cancer over 20 years ago, I was living in New York and she was living in Boston. I called her every day no matter what. Even if it was only for a few minutes to chat about nothing. And sometimes when she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t feel like talking (sometimes I didn’t either)…..I just said that I called to say hello and tell her that I loved her – and that was enough. I wish I had had SKYPE back then.
Eventually I moved up to MA to be closer but I know that is not easy to do for everyone. I was lucky in that I was in a corporate job and reported to a VP who was compassionate.
I also mailed a lot of notes and cards to her while we were far away. Sometimes I told her a silly joke, or sent photos or wrote about what I was doing. She enjoyed getting these notes in the mail.
Like Marianna (above) I didn’t pay enough attention to my needs for stress reduction. I have been meditating on and off for years, but during that time I completely forgot about my needs and the stress gobbled me up. I encourage you to find as many ways as you can to get support and find stress outlets. I am still “paying the price” years later for carrying all that stress with me and not sharing it at the time with anyone.
My spirituality has definitely been the most useful “tool” for me. Nothing else seems to have enough power to ease the pain. But of course, we all must find what works for us and our own situations.
One other idea for your friend….it’s sometimes joyous to remember good times with each other from the past. Happy memories are a good medicine sometimes.
My suggestions seem so trite as I look at them now. Really, loving someone struggling with cancer is a very painful process and experiencing that pain is inevitable. These are the aspects of life that are so hard to understand.
I will say prayers for you and your friend. And I would like to offer a sincere invitation to call me or email me any time if you’d like to talk. Sometimes talking to a more distant friend is easier than those that are very close.
Sending you love and hope and strength.
Terry
Hi Terry,
Thank you so much for not only offering your heartfelt support but also for sharing what you went through with your mother as she battled cancer.
Your suggestions are not trite… I am most appreciative of all the suggestions and advice that you, Sandra, Nancy and Marianna have given me.
I am no longer feeling alone with my pain and sorrow…I have been able to share my feelings with you and you have all understood and been able to be there. It is a huge help 🙂
Experiencing the pain is and will be inevitable…but hearing how meditation may help me with some of it is good to know. I already bought and downloaded Pema Chodron’s audio Good Medicine as well as a podcast from Tonglen (as per Nancy’s suggestion above). I will try listening to them tonight.
And I so appreciate hearing the things that you did to keep in touch and be supportive to your mom from afar (until you were able to move to be closer to her).
And thank you so much for your kind offer to be available via phone or email…
With much love and gratitude,
Dorlee
Dorlee,
I am sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is never easy. Some people who are ill use CaringBridge.org to stay in touch with far-away family and friends. I know not everyone will feel comfortable using it, but I have personally known 2 (or maybe 3) people who have used it, and it is a way for the person to receive support and to keep people informed about the person’s health situation without the stress of numerous phone calls or e-mails. Friends can post messages of support on the guest book, and the person can access it when they feel up to it. Also, they (or their family members) can post updates periodically. It can be a great comfort to the person who is sick as well as to the friends/family. Maybe this could be a helpful tool for your friend.
Other than that, I echo what others have said about self care and just “being there” in whatever way your friend feels comfortable with.
I wish you all the best in this difficult time.
Linda
Linda,
Thanks so much for your kind support and best wishes.
I had never heard of CaringBridge.org before. It sounds like a beautiful way of staying in touch with far-away family and friends when one is ill.
In my friend’s particular case, he would not go along with such an idea because he does not want anyone to know of his illness…but I can definitely see the benefit of such a tool for others, or perhaps for him at a later point in time when/if he would be willing to divulge his illness.
With much appreciation,
Dorlee
I’m so sorry to read about your friend’s struggle, and he’s lucky to have your support on his journey (hopefully back to health!)
I know someone who survived cancer as a child, and he said the thing he craved the most was just feeling normal. Normal time with friends, normal conversations where he wasn’t the “patient” — just normalcy.
That idea was captured well, I think, in this article by a Stage 4 cancer survivor:
http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Do-You-Say-When-a-Loved-One-Has-Cancer?&id=1602287
However, I agree it’s important to confirm with him that he’d appreciate that approach, because some people who are grieving or hurting *do* want to talk about it, and they’re too afraid of bringing other people down.
I also think it’s important to watch out for any thoughts in your own mind that could make the situation even worse, like, “I should be there” or “I should drop everything and fly out there” or “I should be able to fix this” or “I should be doing more to help.” Free your mind of all the “should” thoughts so you can courageously keep your heart open.
Again, so sorry to hear about your friend’s struggle!
All the best,
Deb
Thanks so much, Deb, for all your support and for sharing about the person who had survived cancer as a child…
I will also check out that article that you are referencing, keeping in mind that it is best to tailor my approach to whatever works best for my friend 🙂
Yes, those “should” statements are definitely alive and well in my head…how did you know?! They are not helpful at all – all they are doing is adding to my pain while this is going on. That’s great advice to try to free my mind of those thoughts.
With much gratitude for your TLC,
Dorlee
Dorlee,
Know that I’m lifting up your friend…that this recovery process is one that brings much healing.
I have just lost a very dear friend to cancer, a couple of weeks ago. He died way too early, with a wife and three children at home. This was a family we did so much with together, and seeing this over the last year and a half has been so hard.
The funeral was both so challenging and yet also so uplifting. It was truly a celebration of a life that was lived fully. And yet, in the closure that came – there was also that loss of a true friend.
So, know that I understand. And in it all, I believe LOVE is the answer. Whatever happens, we can always choose love.
Dorlee, I feel that very much here as I read today – the love you have for your friend.
Much peace,
Lance
Lance,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of a very dear friend to cancer…yet how beautiful it was that you were able to see your friend’s life as a celebration of life that was lived fully.
Thanks so much for the love and support that you are sharing with me. You are truly inspiring, not just in your beautiful posts, but “in person” as well 🙂
Much peace,
Dorlee
Enjoyed reading your post and appreciated it very much. I have been through this situation myself(mother is a survivor of breast cancer) and I think the most important thing is to let people know you are thinking of them and are there for them in a capacity to be “real” and authentic, having conversations that may be difficult to have about their illness or how they are really feeling (fearful, afraid, angry).
I remember visiting my parents for the holidays and noticed how afraid everyone was to ask and talk about the cancer with my mother. Instead of asking her, my family members asked my father, in an effort to avoid the difficult and possible emotional conversation with my mother about her illness, how she was feeling, her treatment and her own fears about her illness. I think my mother would have appreciated these conversations and could have benefited, possibly feeling less alone.
By the way, I think I also saw this in a “Sex and the City” episode where Samantha just wanted to be real with Carrie and talk about her illness– Not just hear that everything will be fine. Because it is scary!
Wishing you and your friend much love.
xoxo
I too am so sorry to hear about your friend. Having gone through the loss of my best friend to cancer, it is never easy. What I learned was to try and follow his lead, talk when he wanted and sit quietly when he needed me to be. What we were able to do in those last months, days and hours was to be as honest with each other as possible. to express our love and joy for one another, he was very much my husband and 29 years on and off together. We shared laughter at our selves and tears of joy and loss. It was important for me to make sure he was always well cared for and not alone. You can do that from far away. I would assume there is a small group of you who know and you bond together through this and help one another. There is a lot you can do on the phone, help organize, help find resources. For me I found the strength to get through this by leaning on my support system, being held,crying for hours and sharing stories.He left this earth 3 years ago February 17 and I miss him dearly. As others have said it’s love and being loving that made the difference.It’s not being alone where you find the strength. Contact me if you’d like. Licia
Thanks so much, Laurel, for your very kind support and TLC.
I really appreciate you sharing what you learned as you went through a similar situation with your mother.
I will make sure to be “real” and available to talk with my friend about his illness, fears and whatever it is that he would like to talk about it. I can also envision a point at which he may want a distraction from all the pain and trauma…
You, Sandra, Nancy, Marianna, Terry, Linda, Deb and Lance are being so incredibly warm and supportive – I can’t tell you how much it all means to me…
xoxo,
Dorlee
Dear Licia,
I am so touched by your visit and by what you have shared…I am also so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your late husband had a truly beautiful relationship and that you tried to make the best of the remaining time you had together.
That is definitely something that I will aspire to do with my friend, as well as, follow his lead in terms of talking or being quiet etc., as you so wisely suggest…
You are so kind to allow me to reach out to you should I need additional support…It really means a lot to me.
I am truly feeling very supported and cared for by all of you…
With much warmth and appreciation,
Dorlee
Dorlee, I came here as a result of your comment on my blog. You are such a caring person and it shines through all your tweets and comments. It has to be hard dealing with this challenge especially with the distance involved. Keeping it anonymous is also tough but at the same time, our networks have linked caring people from around the world who can care no matter where they are. I will keep you and your friend in my prayers. And like some of those above, I am always available if you just need to talk.
Julie,
What a beautiful thing to say…Thank you so much for your lovely comment, caring thoughts and generous offer of support.
I am most appreciative.
Warmly,
Dorlee