Who Are You?
How does a person emerge?
Become who she is,
Know what she likes,
Or what she wants?
It may seem obvious…
A little baby is born,
Everyone is celebrating,
The little baby is showered with love,
Her milestones are noted with glee,
Lower order needs of Maslow’s hierarchy are all met,
Baby is willing and able to risk and explore,
Baby grows into toddler/little person figuring out what she likes, what she wants.
But what happens if circumstances are different…
Parents have their own issues,
Parents have their own problems,
Parents love baby but make her grow up revolving around their unconscious needs,
Baby learns that to in order survive, she must have no needs,
Baby grows into adult repressing her needs and wants,
Person is now adult living her life meeting the needs of her parents (& others),
This is how she lives day in and day out until…
Person wakes up… she suddenly sees that she has been in a fog for all her life!
She is confused; she is scared…
She thinks that some of the things she is doing she does want,
But she also thinks some of the things she has done, she did not want.
Person is baffled; how does she figure out now, as an adult, what she wants or needs…
She is afraid that she must review everything she has done up until now,
She must think about everything she has done,
Was this something she truly wanted?
If not, she must suffer the pain,
Of realizing that she did X because of being in fog,
If yes, she can feel relieved,
This was something she wanted.
Person is disoriented,
How does she figure out going forward,
What she wants or needs…
She has no map, no compass.
She is afraid of staying lost in fog,
But also terrified of emerging from haze,
While her own needs/wants were repressed, she at least knew what was expected,
Now she has no idea of what to expect or what to do…
Please share any thoughts or comments you have below. I’d love to hear from you 🙂
This is really lovely. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much, Ermintrude
This was my first time writing a poem… for some reason, this medium of expression was pulling at me this week.
Wonderful poem. Poems can say what we cannot say in other ways. Keep writing!
Thanks so much, Terry 🙂
Hello Dorlee,
What a touching poem! In my Twitter Steam today I found some writings, both poetry and thoughts, that you and the protagonist in your poem might find motivating…
@mscator: “When fear arises… let it go & build your faith muscle.” v/ @JenniferAlhasa // Fear of failure, begone! xxoo
@OliviaDresher Wanting to dig up what’s hidden. Wanting to see it, free it.
@ClearlyMeLuise Within is a receiver /it catches insight /transforms it to guidance/ inspiration /the only secret: listen #gogyohka
@purplepoetry77 unveiling ~ one vulnerability at a time #sixwords
Looking forward to more poetry from you and your expressions from the heart.
Jackie Yun
Hi Jackie,
I love these writings…
Thanks so much for your (and your twitter stream’s) lovely encouragement!
What a lovely poetic question –
Its one that many theorists have asked and tried to answer too:
Winnicott himself -who first posed the True/False dichotomy as a clinical construct – saw the (important and necessary) False self as our socialized self. Very close to what Jung would call our Persona – the False Self is the face we show to the non-intimate world, and its essential to us, if incomplete.
But. in their view, when we confuse our False self, our Persona with our True self, (which I suspect we all will do, over and over again, at different stages through out our lifetimes) we will find ourselves brittle, avoidant, lonely defended against intimacy, and sometimes develop symptoms which trouble us: shame, depression, anxiety, obsessions, nightmares, insomnia, emptiness, hopelessness- or symptoms which are problematic for others: anger, irritability, rigidity, boringness, excessive judgement and contempt for others.
Winnicott encourages us to look for the True self as it emerges in mature forms of inter-relational spontaneity and play. Jung says we will meet the disavowed aspects our Selves, our shadow, in our projections on to others, through self-expressive creative works of art, and in our dreams, bearing in mind that parts of our true identities transcend the limits our Selves dialing down into the Collective.
Ego psychologists might say our truest selves exist when healthy balance & collaboration exists between the Id The Ego and The Superego
The Existentialist & Buddhist practitioners might say that our core self is nothing. Or, as an old philosophy professor of mine would have said:
“You are Not a Thing” and therefore have no fixed qualities or parameters like thing called a table or a rock-thing does.
Contemporary theorists – like Michael Eigen and Phillip Bromberg would probably define True Self as an ever shifting, relational and contextual construct.
Bromberg describes the Self as a multiplicity of contradictory self-states, more or less dissociated from each other- and defines health as being able to “stand in the spaces” with an abilty to view, confer, and negotiate among all our divergent sub-selves.
I suppose for myself, I’ve come to think of the ongoing search for the True self as a fluid, life-long process – one that changes with life-stage, and the relationships around us. Just as there is no “right” setting for the sails on a ship – I suspect there is no fixed True self – as any true position will need to be constantly readjusted with the shifting winds. Maybe a False self, is simply a defined, fixed “findable” self and a true self is one in constant flux, with no fixed coordinates – “unfindable”?
Thanks for this thought provoking piece.
Martha
Hi Martha,
Thanks so much for providing this fascinating and insightful look into how different theorists would approach addressing the question raised by the poem.
If I’m interpreting your view correctly, it sounds like you align closely to Bromberg and Eigen in that the True self is constantly evolving and is dependent upon what is going in one’s life (relationship-wise, work-wise etc.).
Perhaps it makes sense that the search for the True self is indeed a life-long process…we are after all constantly changing (physically, mentally and socially) and therefore, there may be shifts in our True self needs.
You’ve given me much food for thought… as well as the names of some new theorists to read up on (Bromberg and Eigen).
With much warmth and appreciation,
Dorlee
WOW! What a wonderfully honest & heartfelt piece you’ve written here. I see that you commented that this medium of expression was pulling at you, and I’m so glad you answered the call. Thank you so much for sharing this great work!
Hi Relando,
Thanks so much for your kind feedback. I can feel your enthusiasm and supportive encouragement jumping off the page 🙂
Warmly,
Dorlee
Dorlee,
Poetry always takes us to a different place, and I think that sometimes it helps us move beyond day to day defenses. Thank you for sharing this journey.
Warmly,
Ann
Hi Ann,
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts 🙂
This makes sense because a subsequent poem I wrote (not for publication) was to enable me to release some thoughts/memories that were percolating that I could not express any other way.
Warmly,
Dorlee
It almost seemed like u knew me for a moment, that was very similar to what my life experience was up until now. I woke up about 2 years ago from the fog.
Hi Aida,
Thank you so much for being to share that this poem reflected your personal experience.
It takes much courage to recognize the fog and then work (and courage) to figure your way out of it.
My hope in writing the poem was to illustrate that living in a fog is not unusual (some people may remain unknowingly in this fog for their entire lives).
It can feel confusing/overwhelming to figure your way out of it, but you eventually figure out who you are and what your needs/wants are (as I hope your life experience demonstrates).
Best,
Dorlee