Facing Repression

What Is Repression?

Repression is one strong defense,
With it, you have a total lack of recall,
No thoughts, feelings or memories,
Of the painful event(s).
In the conscious memory, that is.
How can that be, you ask?

People have different things to bury:
Abandonment or neglect,
Physical abuse,
Sexual abuse,
Other issues,
Or some combination of the above.

Repression is like heavy armor.
Its job is to keep the bad thing(s) out of your awareness,
It provides your transport from childhood to adulthood,
Without this shield, you could not have made it.
By enabling you to cope,
You survive the trauma.

It’s one thing to read about this mechanism,
Or study about it,
But to confront it,
No one or nothing prepares you,
Not your readings,
Not your teachers.

As a young child, when trauma occurs,
Your ego steps in and says hold on…
This is too much, this is too painful.
How to survive, how to function?
Must block, block from awareness,
This knowledge, this happening(s).

Thanks to your repression,
You are able to function despite the trauma,
Perhaps you even thrive,
You progress to adulthood,
With your shield firmly in place,
Until one day, something happens…

Your shell starts becoming dismantled.
That cover which worked so well,
Is no longer full-proof.
Your unconscious starts to expose,
In one route or multiple ways,
Bits and pieces of what has been hidden…

Some people have flashbacks,
Others have nightmares,
For yet others, the unconscious may,
Begin to disclose via images and words,
In dreams, artwork and writing,
Sudden shreds of the past.

Memories that make no sense,
That cannot be possibly true,
That may be too excruciating to bear,
You don’t understand…
You don’t know where or how,
This new information is coming through.

Could these recollections be true?
They couldn’t be…
Or could they?
What are you to do now?
The defense mechanism that was once there,
Is no longer there to protect.

The unconscious is now,
Revealing what it used to conceal,
No one forewarned you that this may happen,
It is terribly frightening.
Unexpectedly, the childhood you thought you had,
Is turned upside down.

A part of you wants to cling to the old armor…
And squeeze your eyes shut,
You do not want to become aware,
The glimpse you’ve had,
It was bad enough.
It was beyond awful.

What’s the point, you ask?
You cannot change the past…
But deep down, you know,
You have no choice,
You must find out the rest of your history,
You cannot remain in the dark.

Oh, how you might wish you could,
Hold onto your previous safe defense,
But let go, you must,
It is the only way, you see,
To truly put the past behind you,
And become who you were meant to be.

This is scary,
No one alerted you that this may come…
But you are brave,
You can do this,
You survived your childhood,
Therefore, you have the strength.

Even though your heart may ache and bleed,
Sometimes more than you can imagine,
You can do this,
You may feel anger,
Or experience rage,
You may even discover another shield…

Was put into place to help (or block).
What type of tool, this time, you ask?
Why dissociation, of course,
Your ego comes to assist when you cannot resist,
When there is no help available,
It takes you far away, to a safe place.

Unfortunately, dissociation does not really protect,
It is only capable of taking your mind elsewhere,
From where X is taking place,
If your ego employed this armor,
Retrieval may be more difficult or limited,
Another frustration to tolerate in your search for truth.

Regardless of whether or not you dissociated,
Be sure to take this journey with someone trusted.
For it is indeed a painful path…
To explore the contents of a repressed past.
But you can do it, you are resilient,
You shall, you must prevail.

What are your thoughts or experiences with repression? Does this poem express some of the emotions that you felt as you faced your repressed memories, or a client’s feelings as you accompanied him/her on his/her journey?