As some of you may remember from What Do You Do When a Loved One Has Cancer?, someone very near and dear to me is engaged in a difficult battle with cancer. I have the opportunity to see him now and am full of mixed emotions.
On the one hand, I am so excited to see him and hug him [since my last visit]. On the other hand, I am full of sadness because I know that the sand is pouring through the hourglass, as we speak.
As a result, I was initially trying to think of something I could do beforehand so as to make the most of this trip. I wanted to do the impossible; I wanted to ensure that everything will be wonderful and I wanted to find a way to hold onto every moment that I will have with him.
I re-read “Tuesdays with Morrie” in an effort to find an answer, any answer. This is a wonderful book with plenty of wisdom on how to live a more fulfilling life (including a moving and courageous illustration of Morrie’s acceptance of the sentence of terminal illness); however, it didn’t provide me with any solutions to my dilemma.
I read a few journal articles on anticipatory grief. They weren’t really helpful either. After this fruitless searching, I finally realized that I must accept “what is.”
My friend is going to have good days and “bad” days and even the “good” days are not going to be what they felt like during my last visit just a few months ago. I have no control over what is or what will be.
All I can do is be there with my friend and enjoy “what is” and thus this is what I am trying to do.
In other words, I have returned to the mindfulness concepts mentioned by Sharon Salzberg in Meditation and Stress Management and by Jack Kornfield and Dan Siegel in 10 Take-Aways from Workshop on Neuroscience, Meditation & Health…
Last but not least, please excuse the fact that I will be taking a brief break from my blog during this special visit with my friend. Social Work Career Development will return to its “regularly scheduled program” during the first week of August.
Does someone close to you have terminal illness? If yes, how do you manage? Do you have any suggestions?
You May Also Enjoy:
The Power of Meditation
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Talking About Religion and Spirituality w/African Americans
Career Advice from a Dean of Social Work
Photo Credit: Hands decorated with henna
Thank you for the personal and powerful blog post Dorlee.
I wish you great strength in staying mindful!
Your friend,
Tim.
Thank you for your kind words of support, Tim
Best,
Dorlee
Dear Dorlee,
Your search for answers and ways to make the most of your trip with your cherished friend is so touching. The efforts, the reading and the contemplating all are a tribute to your friend, and how much you obviously care for him.
The vivid description of ‘sand pouring through the hourglass’ made me pause, and, for a moment it seemed, to feel suspended in time–all this while also feeling the time ‘rush by’ (an interesting dichotomy. I can only imagine your deep, varied feelings.
I love how you re-read “Tuesdays With Morrie.” I’ve not read the book, but I thought the movie was wonderful.
Enjoying the ‘what is’ with your friend; as well, exploring mindfulness concepts sound like very fitting (calming, perhaps?) ways to move forward with your relationship and with these precious moments with your dear friend.
My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Jacqui
Dear Jacqui,
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive thoughts. Indeed, I have been continuing with my meditation practice for the purposes of self-care and trying to stay mindful.
Unlike “normal” times however, now I am finding myself crying for a few minutes during them but they still offer me comfort and a sense of calm.
To help me hold onto the memories of some of our conversations this visit, I brought along a mini tape recorder (perhaps inspired by “Tuesdays with Morrie”). By the way, I never knew that a movie had been made based upon this book. I will have to check that movie out ☺
Warmly,
Dorlee
Out thoughts and prayers are with you. We just had a dear friend go through a long battle with cancer TWICE! And he has not BEAT IT!!! Miracle happen. Keep the faith.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers 🙂
Dear Dorlee,
I hope your visit with your friend was meaningful. Thanks for sharing what you learned as you were preparing for the visit. I like what you said about mindfulness. Also, what a great idea to bring a tape recorder.
Take care of yourself. I remember how stressful it was when I was going through a similar experience.
Best wishes,
Andrea
Dear Andrea,
Thank you so much for your kind note of support. It was a meaningful visit. Saying good-bye was exceptionally difficult (at that moment, it was hard to be mindful and my brain ran to the future and my fears).
I hope and pray that I will be able to squeeze in at least one more visit and in the interim, I will try to make the most of the regular modes of communication: telephone, email, skype etc.
Warmly,
Dorlee